Know When NOT to Fight - AKA, Picking Your Battles

I’m always struck by the lessons one can learn from children, from staff, and from parents. 

I was recently working at a school with a large early childhood program. The program is populated with over 300 children ranging in age from toddlers through kindergarten. 

In the morning, I would stand at the entry of the school to personally greet children and families as they arrived to start the school day. And as the days went by, I began noticing an amusing trend… sometimes, our youngest students would show up with rather unexpected accessories. 

A favorite stuffed animal.

A pillow.

A “Tonka” style toy truck - and sometimes, an entire fleet of toy trucks. 

Sometimes, children showed up in costumes for no reason (no, it wasn’t Halloween or Carnival). Spiderman, Batman, Elsa, and firefighters often roamed the hallways on a random Tuesday. 

And on one rainy morning, a child walked in toting a very large, very colorful rainbow painted plush unicorn wearing roller skates. 

These items were not for show-and-tell, and they were not for anything related to a lesson. Over time, I realized that items represented smart parents who knew when and how to pick their battles with their children. 

As I thought about how mornings could go with young children, and I envisioned the back and forth between parent and child, I could see a young child digging in and saying “no unicorn, no school.” The parents whose children were bringing random things to school with them had learned something very important: they already scored the win by having their child up, awake, dressed, fed, and ready to go to school on time. Fighting a battle with their child about what trinket or costume the child wanted to take with them to school was simply… not necessary. 

And therein lies a super important lesson for all of us grown-ups about knowing when to pick your battles. Knowing when fighting a battle is simply not necessary. 

When you begin to feel yourself digging in, or when you begin to have the feeling inside of tension or that you are having to work five times harder than necessary to move important work forward… we need to pay attention to these feelings and experiences. And we need to get curious about them. 

Why are we feeling that way? Why is the issue emotional for us? Or… what is making the work harder than it should be (is it me, is it the system, is it the culture, is it all of the above)? Is there a core value or belief that is in conflict that is part of a perpetual problem that can’t be resolved? 

Once we get curious about what is happening, we can be a bit more objective and rational about answering this question: Is this a battle worth fighting? 

This sounds like a very straightforward question when printed on paper, but in reality, it can be a much harder question to address - especially when you are in a leadership position. You often have a lot of people depending on you, needing you, hoping you will help them. These people often see and value your perspective and they support the changes you want to bring. 

But at the end of the day, if you are working like crazy and not making headway, or you are constantly living in conflict with the larger organization or governing body, it’s a question that you will have to address. 

In a prior role, I fought all of the battles, working and fighting hard day after day. Over time, it left me hollowed out, exhausted, and used-up. With time and distance, I have realized that fighting so many unnecessary battles was the wrong decision, and I resolved that I would never do it again. 

Recently, when I began having feelings of conflict and tension, and I found myself working five times harder than necessary to accomplish basic tasks, I had to grapple with the question again: Is this battle worth fighting? 

Ultimately, I made the call to not fight that battle and to walk away. Towing that line was extremely hard, mostly because I know that decision affected people whom I had grown to care about. It also came with potential ramifications for my professional career. But at the end of the day, it is my time, my energy, my heart and my happiness that are most sacred to me, and these things are worthy of protecting. 

Oftentimes, not fighting a battle opens a new door that allows better things to happen. Much like a parent allowing a child to come to school with a favorite toy opens up that child to learn, not fighting a battle as an adult opens someone up to different possibilities that might bring greater joy and which might honor your authentic self. 

And so, while I won’t have a rainbow colored unicorn with roller skates to symbolize my resolve to not fight battles that aren’t worth it, I will have my peace, my joy, and my integrity. And at the end of the day, these are things worth NOT fighting for.